Choi SeungHyun

Memoirs of Sakura [Taemin + OC ]

water in my soul [jikook mermaid!au]

Title: Water In My Soul
Author: yooniversed
Fandom/Characters: BTS / Jeon Jungkook, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Jung Hoseok, Min Yoongi
Pairing: Jikook, slight Namjin, slight Yoonseok
Rating: n/a
Word count: Multiple chapter fic
Warnings: Slight nsfw in future chapters.

Summary: "I'm going to find you again. You just wait." He mumbled to himself, determined to find the blue-tailed boy that had him questioning not only his reasoning, but his very sanity.

Click here: water in my soul [jikook mermaid!au]
  • xinnuh

The Unsung Song

A MarkJin Angst
3.8k words

It was now Mark’s funeral.
Jinyoung never thought this day had to come so early, Mark’s family and close friends were all present, a rather small funeral. As Mark’s boyfriend, he had to at least say a speech of Mark and his memories of him. What should he say? What should he have to say? Jackson, Mark’s best friend, was also there looking devastated than ever, his eyes were covered by his thick sunglasses, his hair wasn’t style unlike his normal chic hairstyle. Everyone was dressed with black suits and black dress and some sporting a sunglass to cover their tear-stained eyes. Jaebum, Jinyoung’s best friend, was also present as to he was also part of Mark’s small circle. He was there beside Jinyoung, calming him down and keeping him steady in case something might happen. Youngjae was beside Yugyeom and Bambam, Youngjae was Jaebum’s boyfriend, and he was in a verge of crying but had to suck it up since he wanted to pay more attention to the younger ones. Yugyeom was beside Bambam who was shaking uncontrollably from crying too much.

“Its fine, its fine” Youngjae reassured Bambam with a soft pat on the back.

“You doing good?” Jaebum had asked Jinyoung knowing he was far from okay.
Jinyoung just shook his head because if he was to speak, it would end up in another series of crying.

For everyone, they see Mark as a silent, quiet person, a person who is careful with his words, who thinks twice or thrice before speaking. But for Jinyoung, Mark was more than a silent talker. For him, Mark was manly, he shows his affection in a different way, he would look at him like he was the only person around, for Jinyoung being with Mark’s silence feels comfortable, he was used to it, he was accustomed to Mark’s comfortable silence.

Mark’s affection towards him was special, he would play with his fingers whenever they watch movies with the boys, or he would clear Jinyoung’s hair away from his eyes. Those little gestures made Jinyoung melt, it made him love Mark more.

They had this understanding between them. He knew it would take Mark a lot of time to speak or voice his thoughts out loud, so he keeps silent and patiently waits for Mark to finish talking. Mark loved this about Jinyoung. Mark appreciated Jinyoung’s patience and understanding.

On special occasions, they would stay in their shared apartment, cooking together and eating their made meal. Both of them would stay in their patio, gazing over the cloudless sky above them in comfortable silence. He would always catch Mark staring and smiling at him, then there’d he realize how lucky he was, how blessed he was to have someone like Mark exist in his life.

They would make love in the most romantic, passionate way, both of them expressing how much they love each other. Jinyoung knew how much Mark loved him. But did Mark know how much Jinyoung loved him as much as Mark had loved him?

A relationship isn’t complete without a little misunderstanding or a little argument between both individual. In their case, Mark’s smoking habit was one of the argument they continuously have. Smoking for Mark was inevitable, it felt good and bad at the same time. This issue between then would often lead to a couple of arguments but never arrive to a point where they’d want to break up. Rather than being mad at Mark, Jinyoung would make him understand the effects of smoking were, he would explain how smoking isn’t good for one’s health. Mark understood it well, he knew its effects and how it would lead to something far more serious in the future.

“I’ll try smoking a few sticks weekly” he had said.

In which he did. Instead of smoking 2 packs of smoke a week he reduced it to 1 pack. It was honestly so hard for Mark, he needed to remind himself, he needed self-control. Sometimes he would sneak out of their patio to smoke. Jinyoung was patient, he knew Mark needed him to be patient and understanding. So he was there, being ever so patient.

Usual habits came back, 2 packs a week came back and Jinyoung couldn’t stand and wait for Mark to ruin his own life. He forced him to quit, he forced him to stop smoking and recommended him to use vape instead, since vapes were safer. He couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop, it was his drug, a drug who controlled him instead of the other way around.

Mark became weaker as months passed, but before he was feeling weak, he had been coughing and had serious colds. They thought it was normal since winter was coming. But after months, Jinyoung had noticed the effects of smoking, coughing, colds, asthma, he panicked and became really paranoid knowing the outcome would result in something horrible, terrible.

“Don’t worry” Mark gave him a weak smile, he knew himself that there was apparently something to worry about.

During the month of December, Jinyoung couldn’t take it. He had been thinking a lot about the possibilities regarding Mark’s health. He had asked Mark to at least go for a check up to ease Jinyoung’s worries and maybe, just maybe what he had thought of was wrong, that he was wrong all this time, that he was just thinking and worrying too much. The next day, Mark went for a check-up with Jinyoung who was there for support. There were a couple of tests, Mark was tired and was weak, he wanted for the check up to finish as much as possible. He was physically drained and Jinyoung was worried, wanting for it to also end ASAP. After another test they were done, they waited impatiently for the results, it was nerve wrecking for Jinyoung, he was thinking a lot of possibilities, he was trying his very best to be optimistic but couldn’t bring himself to avoid the negative possibilities. Mark reassured Jinyoung by resting his hand over Jinyoung’s sweat-drenched hand. Jinyoung wanted to cry, he would want to feel Mark’s hands forever, he doesn’t want to let go of his hand, so held Mark’s hand tightly, never wanting to let go. The doctor came in with Mark’s lab results, Jinyoung knew Mark was beyond nervous, he never showed it though, he needed to be strong, and he needed to be prepared for what’s coming. The doctor explained the results, the x-ray, the blood results, the CT scan results. Jinyoung wanted to know the overall results. Will he be able to breathe again? Will he be able to calm down? Or will he be able to the face the worse?

“I’m sorry for you to hear this but I’m going to be straight forward on this” the doctor announced. “You’re on the 2nd stage of Lung cancer”

Jinyoung’s heart dropped hearing the inevitable result, he couldn’t hear anything, and his heart was beating so fast. He slowly faced Mark, he wanted to cry for the second time. Seeing Mark’s face drop, pale lips and a face he couldn’t describe. He held his hands which made Mark slowly look up at Jinyoung’s eyes. “We are facing this battle together” Jinyoung said with a tear-stained eyes, Mark’s eyes lightened up and gave Jinyoung his most beautiful smile, he wiped Jinyoung’s tear-stained cheeks “Thank you, Jinyoungie”.

During every chemotherapy Mark had, his friends were always there, cheering him and brightening the mood. Jackson and Bambam were in charge of brightening the mood. They’d talk about their childhood years, their high school days when Jackson and Mark were caught skipping class and had to clean their classroom for one week as a punishment. Or the time when Jaebum asked for everyone’s help with the preparation for asking Youngjae out and resulted to a nervous Jaebum who kept on stuttering. They also talked about the day they met Jinyoung. It was their 2nd year of high school when Jinyoung had enrolled in their school. It was a love at first sight for Jinyoung, he would steal glances towards Mark’s direction, and a year passed they’d started dating.
“It was a magical moment for them both” Yugyeom said, recalling the moment when Mark asked Jinyoung out secretly. “It was so boring though, the Mark effect!” Jackson joked. “Hey! It was romantic, you just didn’t witness it” Jinyoung stated, glancing at Mark who was smiling weakly. He held Mark’s hand and Mark faced him “It was romantic” Jinyoung smiled, Mark chuckled.      

It was one time when Mark was done with chemotherapy for the day that he went to his room so weak and was unable to speak. Seeing Mark in lots of pain also pained Jinyoung a lot. He was with Mark the entire night, he refused to sleep without knowing if Mark was doing fine, if the pain had lessened. The rest of the guys went home with worries expressions on their face.

“This isn’t fair, how could someone be so young suffer like this?” Jinyoung thought to himself, feeling angry.

“I-I’m..s-s-sor-so-ry” It was inaudible but Jinyoung understood what Mark had muttered. He could help but bawl his eyes out, he never wanted this to happen to Mark, he never wanted Mark to feel much pain, and he doesn’t want Mark to be in so much pain.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, babe” He wiped his tears and smiled.

“This will pass and we’ll live life like we normally do. This isn’t your fault. This isn’t what you want, this is not what we want. You will heal and you will recover. Trust me”
Mark gave him a weak smile and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Chemotherapy didn’t work on Mark anymore, it wasn’t an option anymore. Surgery was the only option left and the result wouldn’t always be successful, they gave Mark a time to think it over, to make up his mind. It was the time of the surgery in which Mark had agreed to.

“I have to do this” Mark told them.

“What is something goes wrong?” Jinyoung asked, obviously getting so worried

“It won’t. I’ll make sure of it.” Mark smiled, resting his palm on Jinyoung’s cheeks “Like what you said, I will recover from this. Trust me” Jinyoung nodded, leaning on to Mark’s touch.

“I’ll wait for you” Jinyoung whispered, Mark nodded in reply before getting dragged towards the operating room.

“I’ll wait for you, okay?!” Jinyoung shouted, panicking, knowing he might not be able to see him again.

“You have to come back to me okay?!” he shouted again. Mark weakly smiled towards his direction and nodded.

“I lo-“ before he could say it, the operating room had closed with Mark inside “I love you, Mark” he whispered to himself.

The boys were waiting outside the operating room, getting more and more anxious by every passing second. Jackson was pacing back and forth in front of the door while Jaebum was sitting beside Jinyoung reassuring him everything went smoothly while Youngjae sat in between Yugyeom and Bambam, holding their hands knowing the only thing they can do is pray to their gods.

8:00 pm

9:00 pm

10:00 pm

They were getting more and more anxious.

11:00 pm

“Are the surgeons sleeping? What’s taking them so long?” Jackson said in an annoyed tone, ruffling his already messy hair.

“Jackson. Just wait.” Jaebum said while glancing at Jinyoung, smoothing his back.

12:00 am!!!!

The surgeon went out, taking their masks off and their surgical gloves. The guys instantly stood up and dashed their way towards the surgeons.

“So? How was it? Was it successful? It was successful, right?” Jackson spoke first in behalf of Jinyoung who was so nervous to even utter a word.

The doctor heaved a deep sigh, a deep frown plastered on his face. Seeing the doctor’s expression made Jinyoung’s heart drop.

“What do-“

“Why? What’s wrong?!” Jackson said, cutting Jinyoung’s sentence

“Jackson, calm down. Let the doctor explain first” Jaebum said, placing his hand over Jackson’s shoulder. With a defeated sigh, Jackson let the doctor explain.

“I am deeply sorry for your loss. The surgery wasn’t successful, we gave our all and our very best to save him. We sincerely are sorry.” The doctors bowed 90 degrees and walked out, giving the boys time to let everything sink in.

All of them were in a daze. Dumbstruck. Speechless.

“What! Wait! No!” Jackson shouted “They’re lying! Where the hell is Mark?! He shouldn’t be playing games in this situation!” Jackson slammed his palm continuously on the wall.

“N-no..” Jinyoung whispered to himself, shaking, feeling all the fear, denial and anger at the same time “W-where is he?” he softly said.

“Jinyoung..” Jaebum started.

“Where is he?!” Jinyoung felt so frustrated and confused not knowing what to do. The only in his mind was to look for Mark and see him himself. Before he could ask again, the operating room opened again, revealing a blanket-covered bed getting slowly pushed out the room for two nurses. All eyes diverted to the figure under the sheet. They dashed towards the bed not knowing what to do next. Jinyoung’s hand was anxiously shaking, he felt cold not wanting to see what’s under the sheet.

“I-is.. is that hyung?” Bambam softly asked in a shaky voice.

Jinyoung was about to reach for the sheet when he was stopped by Jaebum.

‘Let me. I don’t think you can take it” he softly said, setting Jinyoung’s hand don.

“We’re here” Jackson said, reassuring Jinyoung everything was going to be fine knowing to themselves that it’ll never be “fine”.

Jaebum slowly lifted the sheet revealing a pale looking Mark, he shut his eyes close, heaving a shaky breath.

“Oh my god!” Youngjae covered his mouth and tears slowly falling down his cheeks.

“Shit!” Jackson cursed, holding Jinyoung in his arm “Jinyoung-“

Jinyoung let go of Jackson’s grip and kneeled beside Mark’s bed.

“Oh my god. No! No!” Jinyoung started to cry, caressing Mark’s cheeks “How can he be dead? How?!” he grew so frustrated, facing Jaebum he said “Jaebum, what am I supposed to do?” in a desperate tone.

Jaebum, looking defeated just shook his head with tear-stained cheeks.

Even for the boys, it was a reality that was so hard to grasp. All of them were still in denial, they were angry, they were devastated. How can someone so kind and beautiful be taken away so easily? It’s like what they say: The most beautiful flower gets to be picked first. Jinyoung had to sink in the reality, for a few days he locked himself inside his room, thinking what had gone wrong, why his life went downhill. He had to stay at Jaebum’s place because staying at his and Mark’s apartment wouldn’t do him any good, he would just stare at Mark’s room and cry for several hours or maybe the whole night. Everyone made sure Jinyoung was okay, they kpt an eye on him and comforted him.

He loved Mark so much, ever since the day he laid his eyes on the beautiful red head at the school cafeteria. He knew Mark was special, he knew Mark was going to be an important person in his life. Mark was his sunshine, just seeing him smile, seeing that sharp canine of his would instantly brighten his day during a gloomy weather. Mark was and still is his light. Mark would sometimes let Jinyoung sing him to sleep. Also when Mark’s fast asleep, he would play with his hair and stare at his face for an hour, memorizing every details of his face, the mole on his lips, the mole under his eye, his long eyelashes and his sharp jawline, sometime Mark would catch Jinyoung staring at him and would just smile, his usual angelic bright smile, and chuckle, his sexy chuckle. What kept Jinyoung up all night ever since Mark’s death was the question: Did Mark know how much Jinyoung loves him, too?

It was the day of the funeral.
It was a rather small funeral with just Mark’s family and close friends. They would never thought this day would come so early. Family members were to say a message to mark or a memory they would love to share about Mark. The Mark they knew was silent, a person who is careful with his words but what they didn’t know was that Mark loves affection, a simple yet thoughtful gesture that would make Jinyoung melt to his knees. Jinyoung understands Mark very well, he was the only one who could read his mood, his emotions. He felt proud, the pride flowing knowing he knew Mark better than anyone else.

It was Jinyoung’s turn to speak. Honestly he had nothing to say. What would he say? What should he say?

‘Uhh, hello everyone” he started
“I honestly don’y have anything in my mind right now. Everything seemed to be a blur for me, probably not only for me. Mark.. Mark.. how should I say this? He was everything that I ever asked for, he was special. I have no words to describe what he is to me and how much I love him. I van’t.. I don’t have the ability, the skill to say completely what’s in  my heart. Saying ‘I love him’ would be an understatement. I love him above anything else, more than words could say. Loving him, falling for him was a blessing, he will always be a blessing and I thank the gods for bringing him to my life. I am thankful for every moment I spent with him.”

Jinyoung ended his speech, leaving the platform with a heart filled with love towards his life, Mark.

It took a lot of bravery and a little bit of convincing from the boys to stay in his and Mark’s apartment. He gave in and went home. Things were still in their respective places, it’s not like Mark’s ghost would rummage everything in the house. He decided to sleep later and explore the house, reminisce everything, every moment spent with Mark. His heart was heavy, a turmoil of feelings, emotions flooding at the same time.

“I never thought I’d end up living alone in this large apartment” he said to himself, but also talking to the wind hoping somewhere Mark would hear him.

He explored every inch of the house, the only room left was Mark’s study, a place where Mark spends his time reading, writing and surprise, studying. The room was a size of a normal room, things were minimal like a table at the centre of the room. Two beanbags sprawled on the floor. A couple of an almost empty bookshelves, a photo of him and Mark on the study table. A cacti by the window and couple of magazines sprawled on the floor. You could say that Jinyoung was in charge of cleaning. On top of Mark’s table was Mark’s journal, Jinyoung clearly recognized it.

“Who would leave their private journal out in the open?” he chuckled to himself, thinking about Mark’s clumsiness. Jinyoung was itching to open Mark’s journal.

“What if he’ll get mad?” he thought to himself. He shrugged the thought off and read Mark’s journal. “Curiosity kills a cat” Jinyoung said to himself and opened the first page.

He saw lists, dates, months, years.

“2009? That was when we were 2nd year high school, right?” he asked himself. All these dates were so familiar to him. It then clicked to himself, to his thoughts.

These list of dates were the dates happened during their special occasions. All the dates they spent together.

August 20, 2009 – First time I saw Park Jinyoung

February 14, 2010 – I asked Jinyoung out

February 16, 2010 – Our first official date

March 17, 2010 – First kiss

June 11, 2010 – Went to LA; Jinyoung met my family
And so on

Mark was keeping tabs and dates, Mark wrote down every special moment he spent with Jinyoung. Without being aware, Jinyoung started to cry, hands were shaking

“He listed everything down” he cried non-stop, lowering his eyes on his palm “Mark Tuan, still so cheesy” he chuckled to himself “This is why I love you so much” wiping his tears, he continued reading his journal.

Mark wrote entries every day. Writing about how he spent his day, how he spent day with Jinyoung in comfortable silence. The journal was still half-full, Jinyoung scanned the empty pages and then stopped at the last page of the journal. There was an entry, another entry.

“Why is this here? An entry at the last page…” Jinyoung started reading the entry. Jinyoung gasped. It wasn’t a normal entry. It was a letter for Jinyoung, based on the date, it was written during the week of Mark’s countless chemotherapy.

He then read the letter.


I should’ve listened to you when you told me to stop smoking, I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had listened to you in the first place, I’m sorry for causing you lots of pain and worries. Please tell the boys that I am so deeply sorry. Thank you for being my rock, my strength. Thank you for sticking by my side during these hard times. Thank you for being optimistic and positive.
You know that I love you above all things, right?
You do know that I’d do anything for you, right?
Did you know that I fell in love with you at first sight? I bet you didn’t know that.
You do know that you’re my source of happiness, my energy, right? Because you are.
I know you know that I love that eye wrinkle you do when you smile.
You also know how I love touching your “peaches”.
The question is, Do you love me?
I bet you’re worried, you’re worried that I might not realize how much you love me.
But babe, I do know. I know.
You love me above anything else, more than words could say.
I know you love staring at me when I sleep.
I know you love me. I know. So, now you don’t have to worry.
Sometimes words aren’t as loud as actions.
You don’t have to say ‘I love you’ for me to know.
You just read the actions, and you know I can read you like an open book.
Remember babe, you cannot contain in words the fullness of what a person means in your life, you can hold it in your heart.
I love you and you know that, too.

PS: Don’t let Jackson use my skateboards and snapbacks

After reading the letter, Jinyoung had began another series of crying. Mark knew him so well, in Mark’s silence he knew Jinyoung so well. Mark loved taking in little details of Jinyoung and yes, one of the reasons he loves Mark.

“You’re right” Jinyoung smiles, hugging Mark’s journal tightly in his arms.

“You had spoken my unspoken words, sang my unsung song”

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